Category: Humor

Humor Parenting sports

Be good parents: brainwash

As parents, it is our job to protect, educate, and provide the tools necessary for our children in order for them to thrive and develop their own ideas, desires, and opinions. We do what we can to not just give the answers they so desperately seek, but rather to provide them with a path to find out for themselves.

Except when it comes to football.

As good parents, it is our job to unabashedly brainwash our children into thinking – knowing – that the Patriots are the center of their world and to support and cheer for them always. And of course, to buy all the swag their allowance will afford them.

It is our job to teach them that the color blue is always better than orange. Who would willingly wear an orange shirt? Oh, that’s right. She would.

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A Confused Mom

How is a child supposed to thrive with a mom who would wear such a thing? Granted, she got the number correct but failed miserably on the color which obviously should be blue. She of course is a great mom and loves her children immensely. But when it comes to her color choices, she falls short.

Makes you wonder: did dad know about this flaw before he popped the question?

In any case, it’s these types of mixed messages sent by parents that are causing our younger generation to be so confused, so tainted, and so devoid of any sense of hope for the future. We don’t want these kids to be the kind that leaves toothpaste all over the sink, pees on the seat, or wears orange.

It’s not their fault. We must help them become blue.

How is a child supposed to thrive in a family such as this?

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A Divided Family

What’s a kid to do? Do I go blue? Orange? Dad says blue but mom says orange and I don’t want to disappoint either of them. It is this type of psychological torture that inflicts so many young innocent minds. They need our help.

Let us stand together today to put a stop to this nonsense. Let’s stand together to send a clear message that nobody should wear orange and nobody should ever have to live in a home with orange lovers.

The blue, the proud, the obnoxious and brainwashed Patriots fans of the future!! Together we stand!

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Brainwashed Children

Be good parents and brainwash your children.

And of course: Go Patriots!

Daughters Humor

The Worst Day of the Year

There is one day each year that I fear the most:

School picture day.

As a father of 3, including twin girls, nothing is as stressful as trying to style a girls hair when I self-admittedly have absolutely no clue what I’m doing.

My son merely throws on a pair of khakis, a golf shirt and with a little spit on that cowlick, we are good to go.

With the girls, not so fast. Thankfully, my wicked awesome (sounds like the Dunkin Donuts commercial huh?) wife already has their clothes picked out the night before so ‘all’ I need to do is their hair.

Sweet mother of God, the hair!!

What the heck am I supposed to do with a drawer full of this?

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There are all kinds of hair doohickeys that I don’t even know how to use in there: barrettes, headbands, stretchy headband thingies, bead loop things, scrunchies, and some other contraptions that look like they were my grandmother’s that I’m afraid to touch.

There are too many options and more importantly, no instructions. Awesome.

So what’s a guy to do?

[Send Text to Mom] What should I put in the girls’ hair?

[Reply Text from Mom] Just use a ‘stretchy headband thingy’. That’s not what she called it but that’s all I heard.

[Send Text to Mom} How’s this?

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[Reply Text from Mom with Irritation] You’re funny.

No dice I guess. And you can see how thrilled my daughter was with my creation.

Ok, so let me try one of those flower thingamajigs on your sister.

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BAM!! It was like an aircraft carrier on her head that needed cables attached to her ears. I was afraid the bees would pollenate the thing.

#fail

I moved on to my go-to pony. It was going well until I was on my last loop and the thing snapped in half and shot me in the eye. I grabbed another pony thingy. I brushed back her hair but couldn’t remember if I was supposed to part it or not.

SO MANY THINGS TO REMEMBER! WTH!!??

I decided on no part. I pulled her mane back, tied the pony but then… I remembered my wife telling me to make it low. Or maybe she said high?

[Send Text to Mom] Is this ponytail supposed to be high on her head or low?

[Reply Text from Mom] What’s wrong with you? High. I mean low. ~Snicker~ Do your best. I’m sure it looks fine.

Little did she know.

We haven’t gotten the pictures back yet but I’ve already put the re-take date on the Google family calendar.

After 40 minutes of 7 year-old hair mastery, we were ready. Not bad I must say especially after dropping the crew off at school and seeing the other girls with their dads. And their poor wild hair! Obviously they did not put as much effort in as I had!

I was thinking I was Paul Mitchell compared to most of these guys although some must have taken an advanced night course or something because a few of the girls had braids!

But most girls were not so lucky. Some were so bad, random moms were pulling the girls aside after dad left shaking their heads saying, “Come here sweetie. Let me fix your hair.” Those poor Dads… they didn’t have a clue.

But now that I think of it, you don’t think they did the same thing to my girls when I drove away do you?

Well?

A Moment In Time Family Humor

The 2012 Durney Family Christmas Letter

Christmas 2012

Each year, I procrastinate writing this letter until the last minute.  This year is no different.  For days now, I’ve been attempting to make some progress, but with the recent events in Newtown, CT, I’ve had difficulty trying to find humor and joviality in my retrospective holiday rhetoric and in the holidays in general.  But then it occurred to me, that now, more than ever, we have even more to be grateful for as we gather to be with family, friends, and that uncle that nobody talks about (you know who you are).

So as we all try to get our feet grounded again, let us all remember what’s important in life: Larry the Bus Driver.  Yes, we have a new family member that is quite similar to that previously mentioned uncle.  Larry is Ava & Zoe’s school bus driver.  I’m not quite sure how it happened, but the AZ duo managed to procure two highly coveted bus passes on the Kindergarten black market.  I did not approve but there they go, each morning, to climb aboard the big yellow cheese box driven by the long lost cousin of ZZ Top.  While I’m sure he is a wonderful man with a big heart, I’m also not convinced that he doesn’t think it’s still 1967.  But each day he drives away with two of my most prized possessions and all I do is give the mechanical, and somewhat goofy parent fast wave as they peek out the windows with what I’m sure is pot smoke coming out the cracked, aging windows and the tattered peace symbol bumper sticker.

Sometimes, especially lately, you just gotta have faith in your fellow ZZ Top bus driver.  Hold on tight.

So, now you know that Ava & Zoe are now transportation barons and cruise the G-town strip with Larry, but I’m also happy to report that Connor is now officially in Pre-School as well.  A building block savant and lady killer at his core, he struts each day into his classroom ready to take on the next challenge with gusto and determination.  My impressions were validated when I met with his teacher for our first parent-teacher conference:  “Connor is a very smart and polite young man and a pleasure to have in class.  Except for when he slaps the young teachers in the ass and giggles.”  Ahh, yes.  A proud moment.

2012 was also the kids’ first airplane ride and visit to Disney World.  As many of you may have seen, I do have a picture of Connor which clearly demonstrates that Disney IS the most magical place on earth.  If not, suffice to say, Connor maintains a distinctive pout with the backdrop of the Magic Kingdom.  But he has promised me that he will behave the next time because Daddy, “you’re my BFF.”

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Val has continued her passion for running as evidenced by her running of the Falmouth Road Race, the Tufts 10k for Women, the Georgetown Road Race, and the daily “Get your ass back here Connor Durney” as we affectionately call it.  Her timings are impressive on the first three but the latter she has yet to finish.  And maybe that’s a good thing because I fear that Mr. C would be in trouble if she catches him.

As for me, I have a new job that I love and find to be wholeheartedly fulfilling and important.  I continue to engage in my love affair with cheese (no judging people) and those damned white Lindt balls.  I also remain committed to Dog Rescue and work with a local rescue regularly.  Even Val and the kids have joined the cause and can often be found on a Saturday morning cleaning crates and socializing little puppies that were discarded for whatever lame reason.  It is important work that has meaning, compassion, and oh, the stench of those crates in the morning!!

The year has been full of adventure – Zoe crashed her chin at the playground and had about 35 stitches, Ava bit her dentist and then gave her a bear hug when leaving, we bought yet another coffee maker (the no judging theme applies here again), the girls joined a soccer league although I’m not sure you could call what they did soccer, A&Z got bunk beds, Ava discovered her passion for singing “Call Me Maybe” and Preston continues his quest to sleep on our bed with perpetual success.

So, as you can see, it was a great year and the last week in particular has reminded us that we have a lot for which to be grateful.  We have three amazing kids that keep us smiling, learning, and keeping us from living a life of pure self-indulgence (dammit).  We’ve made some great new neighborhood friends and successfully completed our 11th annual Pre-Thanksgiving Group Thanksgiving but in December.

So during this holiday season, be nice to that uncle, your Larry, and each other.  And eat, be merry, and laugh together and often.  That really is all that matters in life.

Happy. Everything.

TD6