I recently came across a list of “things to do and gifts for Fathers Day” and immediately knew it wasn’t written by a Dad. It really was more of a “things to not do and gifts not to give to Dad” list.
In my short residency as a father to the short people (almost 7 years), I have deliberately attempted to influence what is acceptable (and not) on my special day and what gifts are appropriate and which are not. Of course I’m merely found to be humorous and I’m ignored most of the time but I still offer them my self-proclaimed sage advice:
Acceptable things to do with Dad:
- Go to lunch/dinner but only with well-rested offspring and preferably those that have engaged in extended naps
- Go to the beach but not Crane beach during green head season and only if I do not have to carry any plastic pails or blow-up thingys
- BBQ – you can’t go wrong here – especially if the sun is shining, the music is loud, and the drinks cold
Unacceptable things to do with Dad:
- Boat rides – absolutely not. If you take me on a boat with my kids, I can’t escape if things go wrong. And then the Coast Guard may get involved because I just may jump.
- Museums – seriously? Why oh why would this be fun with my kids on father’s day? Whoever suggested it either adopted 25 year old kids or is their ex-wife. Don’t do it.
- Most places that advertise, “Dad is free!” Don’t buy it. Yeah, you are free but trust me, they’ll get ya.
Acceptable gifts for Dad:
- Anything electronic except for a nose hair trimmer. Actually, that would be fine too now that I think of it.
- Tickets to any sporting event especially if it’s against the Lakers, Yankees, Jets, or Canadians.
- Tickets to see any band with a babysitter the NEXT morning and with bonus points for 80’s rock bands
- Anything related to a grill
- Coupons for free hugs
- Anything hand-made with your name etched on the bottom. I can then put it on my desk at work and brag to my co-workers about how you are a savant.
And the most important of all, unacceptable gifts for Dad:
- TIES!!!! Did you read that? Read it again… if you buy me one, I’ll tell you the truth about Santa.
- Clothes – Umm hello, I already have a pair of jeans and eight t-shirts. Why do I need more clothes? Unless of course it’s a Celtics, Bruins, Red Sox, or Patriots shirt. You can never have enough of those.
- A wall-mounted talking fish. Need I say more?
So there you go – A quick and easy guide to make your Dad feel special on his day. And if you follow these guidelines, I’m sure the next time you want to stay up late to watch that movie or want to borrow those car keys for the weekend, you just might be surprised in dear old Dad’s response.
But truth be told, this is all he wants:
Happy Fathers Day to all!